4 years on Friday.
4 of the longest and shortest years of my life. Often spent feeling numb. Angry sometimes. Peaceful. The cycle is infinite.
This week has been full of ups and downs. The incredible memories only I will ever have of him. The moments of darkness bringing me back down to the reality of him being gone. Reminiscing about the songs we would blast in the car and him singing along with me. The moments of uncontrollable laughter. The trauma of the way he died. Such a roller coaster that I never wanted to ride.
I feel like a lot of the time I shock people with my openness toward talking about Parker. They will see my tattoos or my bracelet and ask me who its for. I immediately tell them “Oh that’s for my little brother. He passed away at 22 from heroine overdose”. I don’t tell them for shock factor, I tell then out of complete transparency. Why sugar coat it? I always have the hope that they can relate and I can make them feel human. We all know by now that addiction doesn’t discriminate.
I was listening to a podcast today about a woman who’s brother went missing and they never found him. Later, it aided her in helping drive the effort to find a woman who went missing and they ended up finding her alive. She said something so powerful. She said “My whole life prepared me to save her’. I felt like I needed to hear that. My whole life growing up in a family with active addiction prepared me to save myself. To talk openly to other people. To handle the darkness rather than succumb to it.
Looking back reading this blog this passed Sunday, I do not remember writing a single word of any of my entries. I have blocked out so much from the past few years as a defense mechanism to move forward with my life. The hardest part is moving forward. Still having to be a mom, wife, daughter, employee can be exhausting some days when you just want to crawl into a hole and cry.
As dark as grief is, it also brings so much in life to light. I started taking the long way home. I live more freely without worrying about the little things that used to drive me insane. It has driven me to take chances which have lead me and my husband down an incredible path to get to where we are financially. It has helped me slow down and realize who stands by me and who is against me. Weeding out chaotic people in my life that only bring toxicity. Being closer to my family and having more open conversations. Navigating my belief system and building a strong foundation off of my experiences the last 4 years. A lot these things I could have never realized without my amazing husband by my side acting as my sit in therapist. He takes the emotions out of things for me and gives me the best perspective.
As I navigate this week leading up to that dreaded day, I can’t help but feel extreme gratitude to everyone who has been texting me and making sure I am doing okay. That’s not just this week, that is all the time. I am so grateful for everyone that Parker ever helped or hung out with in his life who reach out to me often and tell me when they dreamed of him or heard a song on the radio that reminded them of him. I have such fond memories of everyone who has ever told me that Parker changed his their lives.
The sadness will never go away and neither will the tears. The happy memories will forever be imbedded in the core of my being. The passed time never stops. The trauma may never heal. The years are flying by and the peace will forever increase.
I miss you daily little bro. What i would do for one more hug. One more karaoke sesh. One more moment with you.
-Allie
#PJKALLDAY #DontStopBelieving
