Most Days

Most days I’m a bad liar.

If you ask if I’m okay I’ll lie and say I am.

I’ll smile and keep the tears from rolling.

Only crying when no one is around.

Pretending it will all be okay.

Most days are consumed by grief.

The pain.

The overwhelming memories.

The regret.

The what ifs.

Most days are also overcome with peace.

Peace knowing your happy.

Demon free.

Addiction free.

In the presence of angels.

Most days I feel your embrace.

You keep me standing.

Keep my head up.

My heart strong.

You keep me believing.

Most days you remind me to make people happy.

To make sure that even one smile can mean the world.

You remind me to see the good.

That everyone has struggles that we may not always see.

To see everyone as someone.

Everyday, I miss you like crazy.

I miss your smile.

I miss your laugh.

I miss your hugs.

Every single day.  

Dreams, Fish and Calendars

I had a dream recently.  My sister, Lisa and daughter, Allie were with me.  We were standing on the riverbank of the Madison River in Montana.  The majesty of the sun shining on the clear blue water, the trees so green, the mountains all around us, breathtaking.  I was sharing with them the peace I feel there. The wind was blowing slightly.  We were right at the spot where I caught my first fish last November, the day before Parker died. 

Two men come walking by. They give a half wave, smile and continue to the water.  My Sis and Allie look at me in astonishment.  Parker and Trevor have on their fishing gear, poles in hand, walking down to the river. They are laughing and talking together. 

I said to them, "This is why I come here.  I get glimpses of him every now and then." We stood there and watched them as they disappeared out of sight.  The dream faded and I woke up.  

What a gift.  I felt like I really had been there and saw them both.  Peace and love filled me.  I told Trevor about this dream and he said how glad he was that he was with him. 

I love glimpses.  Allie shared a video in the last blog that took my breath away.  Hearing his voice, his laughter, his crazy falsetto singing voice.  It literally took my knees out from under me.  

I'm fighting the reality of death.  It takes time to sink in and when it does, the pain freezes me to the spot.  I'm unable to draw a deep breath.  It hits in waves and I pray for the waves to recede and go further out, far away so I don't drown in them. The waves of pain take an emotional toll and it takes time to join the world again.    

My husband, Kirk, shares a birthday with Parker.  I found this out after we started dating. What are the odds? Kirk's mom calls him her miracle baby.  Her story, one of death and life.  She loves to remind him each birthday of his unique story.  He turns 51 this year, still younger than me and letting me retain my cougar status. :) I'm so happy we found each other.  Joining our 2 families together has been an adventure, one I am so happy to be on with him.  I want his day to be special, I want him to feel our love and appreciation for the great husband and father he is.  I'm not sure he understands how much I adore him. Happy Birthday My Love! I love you with everything I am.  

  I ordered birthday cakes from my friend and partner at work, Paula.  I showed her a picture of a Perch for Kirk and she replicated it perfectly.  I asked her to make a smaller one for Parker. She made his a silver angel fish.  The tears flowed when I saw them both.  They represent these two men that mean everything to me. She put her heart and soul into these two cakes.  I will forever be grateful. 

When you lose someone, the calendar changes and days you may have forgotten become more important.  This altered calendar gets divided in before and after. Most people won't know when hard days hit and that's ok. I'm grateful this calendar has days to celebrate and remember with tears and laughter.  

There is saying that goes like this:

"You will never be completely at home again.  Part of your heart will always be elsewhere.  This is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place." Author unknown

Let's celebrate two men that share a birthday, one we get to hug and one to be remembered.  I wonder what birthday parties in heaven are like? 

Happy birthday in heaven Parker! We love you and miss you!!!!!

Memories

In honor of Parker's birthday coming up on the 20th, I wanted to share a couple funny stories and pictures to lighten the grief we carry every day.

Xbox and Prom Dresses

This is my favorite picture. This was when he was about 13. I came late one night from work and he and his friend were playing xbox (no big deal). I then realized, they were both wearing my prom dresses. He made sure to wear it until I got home to make me laugh. No shame. He WANTED me to take a picture. One of his many amazing qualities was to make everyone around him laugh and happy. 

Shared "Custody"

 My cute husband likes to joke that when Parker was in Inpatient Rehab at 17, we had shared "custody" of him. We were able to go pick him up on the weekends as he was not able to be home at the time (another addict in the house). This is one of SO many pictures with Kohen. You can see the love just radiating. He was the best uncle to Kohen. There were so many nights when I was a single mom, he would come and take Kohen so I could rest. 

 After Rehab

Our bond grew even stronger (if that's possible) while he was in rehab. He came to our house often when he got out of rehab. We had many nights of fun and memories just like this picture. I miss this so much. 

Singing

He was the melody to my harmony in life. He would sing with me everyday on the way to school, to the gas station and even the extra lap around the block to finish the song we were blasting. This video I will always cherish (don't mind the language). I never want to forget his goofy, amazing voice. 

The Later Years

The last 4-5 years were filled with fear, anxiety and every other emotion you could possibly feel. The best part though, was the days he was clear minded and spending time with the family. This is one of our last pictures together. I regret so much not taking any pictures together when we went camping this summer but, I still have so many to cherish. I miss those eyes, his voice and his hugs everyday. 

Happy Birthday in heaven in a few days baby brother. This hurt may never get easier but I still feel you everyday. Even when I flip off your picture. I love you. 

#PJKAllDay #DontStopBelieving #Forever22

Letting You Go

One of our many jobs as a parent, is teaching our kids independence.  We want them to contribute, give back, to fly and succeed. There is song "Letting You Go", by Sara Evans, that says it best.   

The chorus says:

"Loving you is holding you and lifting you up

And planting the seeds and then watching you grow

And even though it’s hard to do, it’s letting you fall

And giving you wings so you fly on your own

Cuz part of loving you is letting you go

No matter how I wanna make you stay

You were also born to fly away.”

We help them grow while they make decisions and natural consequences happen. As parents, we can’t get in the way of that and save them, even when we want to.

Let’s be clear, if I could have stood between Parker and that final needle that took his life, I would have. My biggest heartache is that he died alone.  It haunts me.  

I met with a therapist this week after struggling hardcore these last few weeks.  Depression hitting hard, my thoughts were dark, I knew I was in trouble.

My therapist explained to me why I was crashing.  I was busy taking care of everyone else first. It’s what mother’s do. I had to make sure my other kids were doing ok, so I could break down myself.  The paperwork of death was a distraction and gave me something to focus on.  Hearing her reason this out, helped in a way.  I wasn’t weak, it was my body’s way of saying, it’s time to grieve.

The words that came out of my mouth to the therapist scared me.  I told her, "I don't know how to live without him, I don't want to." The tears started to flow and didn’t stop. I make it a point to not cry in front of people, but there was no stopping this waterfall of tears.

She told me, “I’m glad to see your emotion.  You have been talking to me without any emotion and I was worried for you. These are valid feelings.  You have lost a son, a part of yourself.  You have to feel this, there isn’t any way around it.  Your job now is to take care of you.” Her eyes are now filled with tears and we cried together.  

She has a son that has struggled for 25 or more years with addiction.  All of his friends that used with him, have died.  She said this could be her next week, sitting right where I am.  Having someone that understood addiction helped so much, even though my heart hurt for her.

There is a hole in our family that can't be filled. It takes my breath away when I contemplate the coming years without him. This pain is worse than bone deep. I don’t know how to begin to heal. I worry about our kids, bonus kids included and fear takes over. I don’t want to bury any others.

At times the anger wins, I want to shake my fist at the heavens and scream "Why?” I know the why, the needle won, we lost the final battle. I hope as he passed, he was greeted by loved ones, I hope he has found peace from the struggles of this life. He is now with the one that created him and knows him best. 

Our job is to help them grow wings, I didn’t know that included his angel wings. For now, I have no choice but to let him fly, taking my heart with him.

Fly high, my son.  My beautiful blue-eyed boy. Sneak me a few hugs now and then.  I’m going to need them.

SH 2/7/2019

#PJKALLDAY

#DON’T STOP BELIEVING

Missing Me

Missing Me

When your missing me tomorrow or even yesterday,

think of me in all your thoughts and everything you say.

When the pain seems to never end and all your tears have been cried,

just remember I’m not too far and always by your side.

I’m in the wind, the rain, the clouds, the darkest days I’m here,

I’m never too far away, I’m with you through the tears.

Remember the times, the good, the bad and all the memories made,

know that you are not alone, don’t ever be afraid.

When you start to think of “what ifs” or even have regret,

clear those thoughts, think of my smile, never to forget.

When you’re missing me eternally and pictures aren’t enough,

close your eyes and feel my arms embrace you in a hug.

If you find yourself lost in thought and tears streaming down your face,

Know that I am with God, in his glory and his grace.

When you feel like you’ll never smile, distraught and all alone,

stand up tall, reach out your hand, you’re never on your own.

I’ll walk by you forever more, your guardian angel I’ll be,

I’ll give you strength everyday that you are missing me.

A.N.

THE BLESSING OF FRIENDS

I’ve been struggling with health issues since my bowel obstruction surgery back on September 11^th.  My body struggles with any food I eat.  I expected to be back to work in 10 days.  After several complications, it took 90 days to recover. I was scheduled to come back on Monday, the 12^th of Nov, so we took our fall trip to Montana on the 9^th – 11^th.  I was praying my body would cooperate.

I look back on this weekend and see the gamut of emotions. From the high of winning the family “big fish” contest in Montana, first-time fishing, feeling incredible peace and reverence on the water. This moment has become my go to, when I need a happy place to go to.  

We were home about 2 1/2 hours when the knock came on the door.  November 11^th, around 5:30ish. My son had died earlier in the day. I had incredible anxiety, like nothing I have ever experienced throughout the day, leading up to the news.  I kept pushing it down, thinking it was related to work and the prep I needed to do. Looking back, my spirit knew something was wrong. 

The words to this song hit my heart, as it describes the moment you wake up and then remember.

LET IT HURT – RASCAL FLATTS

7:42 in the morning

8 seconds before it all sinks in

Put your best face on for the world

Fake another smile and just pretend

But you’re just putting off the pain

Nothing’s ever really gonna change

(Chorus)

So let it hurt

Let it beat

Let it take you

Right down to your knees

Let it burn

To the worst degree

May not be what you want

But it’s what you need

Sometimes the only way around it

Is to let love do its work

And let it hurt

Yeah, let it hurt

3:28 in the morning

Counting up the spaces between the rain

You’re getting used to

The rocks at the bottom

Your heart goes numb

But the lonely stays the same

And that’s the price

You’re bound to pay

And there’s really

Nothing anyone can say

Oh, there’s only just one way

(Repeat Chorus)

You just might find you’re better for it

When you let go and you learn

To let it hurt

Let it bleed

Let it take you

Right down to your knees

Sometimes the only way around it

Is to let love do its work

So go on, and let it hurt

Oh, let it hurt

7:42 in the morning

8 seconds before it all sinks in.

The price we pay for love after a loss like this, is incredible. I know his pain is gone. I long for his hug, but know I would want more.  I feel like a shadow of the girl I was in Montana, feeling the joy of family.

A friend of mine knew the pain I was in last week at work.  Normally work is my safe place.  I know what to do there.  It gives me a distraction, but this day, I was on the verge of tears every few minutes.  A song on the way to work triggered intense emotions. She came in four hours early to work and insisted I go home.  Her words of “I don’t know what else I can do for you, but I can do this, please let me help.” I love you TC!!!

Another friend asked if she could put my name on the prayer rolls in the temple.  She used the same words of “I don’t know what I can do or say, but I can do this.” She reminded me to breathe.  I didn’t realize the swallow breaths I was taking.  Thank you, Paula. I love you!

“Friendship is the comfort of knowing that even when you feel alone, you aren’t.”

 (unknown author)

This is a journey I never wanted to take.  How grateful I am for those of you that have chosen to ride with me, when getting off the train would be easier.