Letting You Go

One of our many jobs as a parent, is teaching our kids independence.  We want them to contribute, give back, to fly and succeed. There is song "Letting You Go", by Sara Evans, that says it best.   

The chorus says:

"Loving you is holding you and lifting you up

And planting the seeds and then watching you grow

And even though it’s hard to do, it’s letting you fall

And giving you wings so you fly on your own

Cuz part of loving you is letting you go

No matter how I wanna make you stay

You were also born to fly away.”

We help them grow while they make decisions and natural consequences happen. As parents, we can’t get in the way of that and save them, even when we want to.

Let’s be clear, if I could have stood between Parker and that final needle that took his life, I would have. My biggest heartache is that he died alone.  It haunts me.  

I met with a therapist this week after struggling hardcore these last few weeks.  Depression hitting hard, my thoughts were dark, I knew I was in trouble.

My therapist explained to me why I was crashing.  I was busy taking care of everyone else first. It’s what mother’s do. I had to make sure my other kids were doing ok, so I could break down myself.  The paperwork of death was a distraction and gave me something to focus on.  Hearing her reason this out, helped in a way.  I wasn’t weak, it was my body’s way of saying, it’s time to grieve.

The words that came out of my mouth to the therapist scared me.  I told her, "I don't know how to live without him, I don't want to." The tears started to flow and didn’t stop. I make it a point to not cry in front of people, but there was no stopping this waterfall of tears.

She told me, “I’m glad to see your emotion.  You have been talking to me without any emotion and I was worried for you. These are valid feelings.  You have lost a son, a part of yourself.  You have to feel this, there isn’t any way around it.  Your job now is to take care of you.” Her eyes are now filled with tears and we cried together.  

She has a son that has struggled for 25 or more years with addiction.  All of his friends that used with him, have died.  She said this could be her next week, sitting right where I am.  Having someone that understood addiction helped so much, even though my heart hurt for her.

There is a hole in our family that can't be filled. It takes my breath away when I contemplate the coming years without him. This pain is worse than bone deep. I don’t know how to begin to heal. I worry about our kids, bonus kids included and fear takes over. I don’t want to bury any others.

At times the anger wins, I want to shake my fist at the heavens and scream "Why?” I know the why, the needle won, we lost the final battle. I hope as he passed, he was greeted by loved ones, I hope he has found peace from the struggles of this life. He is now with the one that created him and knows him best. 

Our job is to help them grow wings, I didn’t know that included his angel wings. For now, I have no choice but to let him fly, taking my heart with him.

Fly high, my son.  My beautiful blue-eyed boy. Sneak me a few hugs now and then.  I’m going to need them.

SH 2/7/2019

#PJKALLDAY

#DON’T STOP BELIEVING