THE BLESSING OF FRIENDS

I’ve been struggling with health issues since my bowel obstruction surgery back on September 11^th.  My body struggles with any food I eat.  I expected to be back to work in 10 days.  After several complications, it took 90 days to recover. I was scheduled to come back on Monday, the 12^th of Nov, so we took our fall trip to Montana on the 9^th – 11^th.  I was praying my body would cooperate.

I look back on this weekend and see the gamut of emotions. From the high of winning the family “big fish” contest in Montana, first-time fishing, feeling incredible peace and reverence on the water. This moment has become my go to, when I need a happy place to go to.  

We were home about 2 1/2 hours when the knock came on the door.  November 11^th, around 5:30ish. My son had died earlier in the day. I had incredible anxiety, like nothing I have ever experienced throughout the day, leading up to the news.  I kept pushing it down, thinking it was related to work and the prep I needed to do. Looking back, my spirit knew something was wrong. 

The words to this song hit my heart, as it describes the moment you wake up and then remember.

LET IT HURT – RASCAL FLATTS

7:42 in the morning

8 seconds before it all sinks in

Put your best face on for the world

Fake another smile and just pretend

But you’re just putting off the pain

Nothing’s ever really gonna change

(Chorus)

So let it hurt

Let it beat

Let it take you

Right down to your knees

Let it burn

To the worst degree

May not be what you want

But it’s what you need

Sometimes the only way around it

Is to let love do its work

And let it hurt

Yeah, let it hurt

3:28 in the morning

Counting up the spaces between the rain

You’re getting used to

The rocks at the bottom

Your heart goes numb

But the lonely stays the same

And that’s the price

You’re bound to pay

And there’s really

Nothing anyone can say

Oh, there’s only just one way

(Repeat Chorus)

You just might find you’re better for it

When you let go and you learn

To let it hurt

Let it bleed

Let it take you

Right down to your knees

Sometimes the only way around it

Is to let love do its work

So go on, and let it hurt

Oh, let it hurt

7:42 in the morning

8 seconds before it all sinks in.

The price we pay for love after a loss like this, is incredible. I know his pain is gone. I long for his hug, but know I would want more.  I feel like a shadow of the girl I was in Montana, feeling the joy of family.

A friend of mine knew the pain I was in last week at work.  Normally work is my safe place.  I know what to do there.  It gives me a distraction, but this day, I was on the verge of tears every few minutes.  A song on the way to work triggered intense emotions. She came in four hours early to work and insisted I go home.  Her words of “I don’t know what else I can do for you, but I can do this, please let me help.” I love you TC!!!

Another friend asked if she could put my name on the prayer rolls in the temple.  She used the same words of “I don’t know what I can do or say, but I can do this.” She reminded me to breathe.  I didn’t realize the swallow breaths I was taking.  Thank you, Paula. I love you!

“Friendship is the comfort of knowing that even when you feel alone, you aren’t.”

 (unknown author)

This is a journey I never wanted to take.  How grateful I am for those of you that have chosen to ride with me, when getting off the train would be easier.