Have you ever had to grieve for someone who was still on this earth? Someone you are sitting next to physically? Painfully wishing they were who they used to be? Wishing they didn't chose their habit over their family? My family, and so many other families, have had to do this for a very long time. There is no other feeling like it. Looking back at pictures, going through the "what if's", the regrets and the precious memories. Knowing there is nothing you can do no matter how hard you try is such a feeling of despair.
If you've ever dealt with addiction, in any form, you know exactly what I'm talking about. You stand by for the phone call to come at any time. Wondering if its the devastating news you "thought" you prepared yourself for. Wondering if the last time you talked to them was forever the last time. You find yourself driving, a song comes on and you remember exactly where you were with them. You see one of their friends in passing. You see how well they are doing, wishing so bad it was him. Flourishing. Living. Not addicted.
Then that day comes. The worst day of your life. I thought of that day often. Wondering how I would handle it. Wondering if it would different then the grief I had gone through over the years. The grief over losing the fun, spunky, insanely talented, amazing person he was to the dark demon of addiction. Losing my best friend.
It wasn't anything like I had expected. I thought I prepared myself. As awful as it sounds - I'm sure a lot of you can relate - I thought it would be easier to no longer have to worry where he was. What he was doing. If he had some where warm to sleep. If he was withdrawing. If he was safe. That day will forever be the worst day of my life.
My mom called me crying. I instantly knew exactly what she was going to say. Her pain will forever haunt me. She was saying she was sorry over and over again. I felt so helpless! I wanted to jump through the phone and hold her. I couldn't get in the car fast enough to get to her. I am so grateful for my bonus dad and my aunt for being by her side to hold her. My dad was 700 miles away. Thank god for his fiancé being with him to comfort him. His voicemail the next day sobbing, letting me know he was on his way to us.
I have not experienced a lot of loss in my life. No major immediate family member. I knew addiction would take Parker one day, but I never thought he would be the first major loss I would experience. I also thought life couldn't possibly go on without him. The world couldn't spin without those crystal blue eyes and gorgeous smile. Suddenly, any small worry or stress I have ever experienced didn't matter anymore. All I wanted was to hug him one last time. Hear his voice one more time. I wanted three million more pictures of him.
The loss before the loss never cushions the blow. It only makes it harder. It brings so many what if's and so much regret for the "lost" years you experienced. The small hope you held onto in your heart hoping they would overcome this demon, forever shattered in a split second of a knock on the door or a phone call.
Next time you see someone who is struggling through the addiction of someone they love, ask them if they are okay. Hug them. Let them know you are there. Chances are, they are already grieving someone who is still alive.
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