The Grieving Sibling

Does anybody see her? She's crying alone in the dark of the night. Hiding her silent sobs, wiping the warm tears from her face. She is overwhelmed. Along with her eternally running checklist that accumulates with life, motherhood and marriage, she's grieving. Grieving someone whom she spent 22.5 out of 28 years of her life with. Her most vivid memories include him. He is intertwined in every aspect of her being. Though he is her little brother, he taught and influenced her in so many ways. He showed her how to treat others. How to always hide behind that beaming smile, whether you were dealing with demons or not. He has shown her how to make somebody's day, even if you are consumed with your own darkness. Her darkness is different from his. Hers is made of fear, false strength and heartache. All she ever wanted was to be a big sister. Her most vivid early memory was anxiously awaiting his arrival and holding him when he came home from the hospital. She remembers almost losing him when he was 18 months old, staying with a family friend while he was in Primary Children's Hospital. Crashing together in the street and crying together over road rash. Him sitting with her over every broken heart, every bad choice. A billion never ending memories she is so grateful for.

When he left his earth, a piece of her went with him. A piece that can never again be filled or replaced. No patch will ever be strong enough to hold for the pain would shatter it into a thousand pieces. The dark memories forever ingrained in her mind. His bruised hands and cold, hard body. Memories of shock anger and complete debilitation. 

I still continue to smile. To find peace in the daily reminders of him. I feel him every day. He continues to give me small glimpses of the peace he is experiencing away from the weight of the world. Free from the all consuming demon named Addiction. If we stop believing that all of this is somehow going to be okay, we will forget to live. There is so much to live for, so much more to learn before our time here is through. What a wonderful day it will be when he meets us all at the gates, first in line with that warm, enveloping hug. When it all gets to heavy, we can walk hand in hand together as family and friends holding each other up, speaking his name and telling his story. 

#PJKALLDAY #DONTSTOPBELIEVING #DONTSTOPLIVING

BROKEN ARROWS

There is grief and then there is the other side of grief you don’t show others.  It envelopes you, takes your voice, removes you from those around you.  You hear them speaking, trying to reach you and you aren’t able to answer.  It whispers lies, makes you unsure of yourself, brings guilt in buckets, bittersweet memories, the what if’s and regrets so deep. Sleeping is impossible.  Your heart pounds, your breathing shallow.

There comes a point you have to acknowledge you are in trouble.  If you stay there, you get shackled in the darkness. If you can’t break free, you succumb.  Finding a few words with the right people, lets it out a little at a time.  I am blessed with angels; Earth and Heavenly ones. You know who you are. Thank you for holding me up.

I feel alone, (I know I am not),worn out and betrayed in a strange way.  All of my emotions are exaggerated and amplified. I am afraid to open my mouth.  I want to yell, “Why? Why, my son?” until my throat is bloody from screaming.  I want to beat my hands against the wall and break every bone, so I can point to my fingers and say “this is what hurts!” Red, hot anger, complete rage, consumes me in different parts of the day.

The last few months I have been trying to prove to those around me, that I’m still me.  I’m tired of feeling like a shadow of the bubbly girl I once was. I didn’t realize I had been, until this week.  As I fell further down the rabbit hole of grief it became apparent; I have been running, instead of facing this pain.

 I was cocooned in a safe place.  Denial.  He will walk in the door any minute and then mine and Allie’s birthdays.  They came and he never walked in the door.

Being wrapped in that safe place, surrounded by heavenly angels holding you, absorbing the pain, until you are strong enough, once again to feel, is such a gift. The extra strength flows and you know once again, you can stand.  Then it slowly recedes and you know it’s your turn to carry it, feel it, somehow grow in spite of it, as you face the worse nightmare of your life.  He’s not coming home. 

C.S. Lewis said this about grief.  “I think I am beginning to understand why grief feels like suspense. It comes from the frustration of so many impulses that have been habitual. Thought after thought, feeling after feeling. Had (Parker) for their object. Now the target is gone. I keep on through habit, fitting the arrow to the string; then I remember and have to lay down the bow. So many roads lead to (Parker). I set out on one of them. But now there’s an impassable frontier post across it. So many roads once, now so many cul-de-sacs.”

The arrow breaks with” what ifs.” I picture him counseling others. He would share his story and tell them how he beat this; his words would be powerful and ring true. His leadership abilities eventually helping him to lead strong. He was loved by many and missed by many more.

This is where I want my voice to matter.   I’m working so hard to find my “aim” again. Speaking the truth is necessary and incredibly draining. If speaking helps one family, one person to make a change, save one life, change the heart of an addict, it will be worth every ounce of emotional and physical energy it takes. 

Thank you for my angels, God.  I can’t do this alone.

#PJKALLDAY

#DONTSTOPBELIEVING

#ADDICTIONAWARENESS

Half a year.

181 days, 4,344 hours, 260,640 minutes, 1,563,8400 seconds. Six months without you.

I often wonder where you would be if you were still here. Would you be clean? Would you be happy? How many more hugs would I have gotten from you? How many more times would I have gotten to see your smile in person, instead of in pictures?

And then I remember, you are clean. You are happy. I feel you every single day. I can't forget your smile. Its constantly on my subconscious. Reminding me to live. Reminding me to breath. Even if I have to take the day hour by hour or minute by minute, you always help me through. 

The last six months have felt like the longest and shortest months of my life. I feel like we just lost you yesterday yet looking back at all that life has brought since, it feels like a lifetime ago. Life has completely changed. Grief has made me a different person than I was before. It has made me more grateful, less stressed, more patient and grateful for everyday I have on this earth. It has also made me a wreck most days, numb to things I should be feeling, angry and doubting everything I have every believed. 

I miss you every single second of every single day. Your legacy and story are still inspiring so many. I love you Parker, fly high and help me through this day.

#PJKAllDay #DontStopBelieving 

Dreams

Grief comes in the form of so many emotions. I don’t like calling them the “stages” of grief because some days you can experience every single one of them only to start back over at “stage” one the next day. It’s a roller coaster that never seems to have a rhyme or reason, with no end in sight from the treacherous hills and painful coils of despair.

For a few weeks after Parker’s memorial services, I experiences a lot of numbness which goes hand in hand with denial. Denial that anything that had just happened was real. That it was all just a sick joke yet knowing one thousand percent it was indeed real. It was a defense mechanism developed to protect myself from believing that the pain wasn’t real. I was basically an emotionless zombie walking around yelling at everyone just to try and feel something.

For a month or so, I have again been experiencing some of the emotions surrounding the numbness. The physical pain has lessened making it easier to get through the day. The emotional pain is still there but has been blocked out by this “numb” feeling for a few weeks. I can listen to the songs I couldn't before showing me that I’m slowly becoming more desensitized to the fact that he is gone. My heart has been searching for peace and comfort through the numbness. I have had several experiences that have given me confirmation he is at peace. Those experiences gave me exactly what I needed given the emotional moment I was in at the time but I’ve been searching for something more. Something tangible as my mom has put it.

A few weeks ago, I had two dreams about Parker. I have only had one about him since he passed away and it was only a glimpse of him in a picture in my dream. The first dream I had he was sitting next to me building me a vape. Weird I know, but he knew a lot about them and loved showing them off to me. We were sitting there with my mom talking about random things. I woke up scratching my head but I was so happy I saw him for a few seconds in my dream. The next night though was completely different. I had a dream that I was sitting with my whole family around a long table eating dinner and laughing. I look up and like in a movie where its all slow motion, he is sitting directly across from me at the other end. He is smiling. Not just smiling at the conversation going on around us, he is smiling at me. That big goofy smile that I miss so much. He is surrounded in light and looks exactly as he did when he was first out of rehab and clean. I could feel him. I could feel the warmth of his smile. The love. The peace that enveloped him. That feeling of comfort and peace was tangible like I could reach out and keep a piece of it with me. I woke up with tears streaming down my cheeks knowing with all my heart he was there. There to visit me and give me the comfort I have been so longing for. The image of him has been engraved in my mind, carrying me through some hard moments.

That experience slowly started bringing back out the numbness and has transitioned into a little bit of peace. Peace knowing he is okay. He is safe. He is happy. Demon free. Drug free. Addiction free. He is in his purest form. He is with family and friends he has lost. He is continuing his work he was always meant for. He was always going to change the world, now he just has to do it in a different way and come through to all of us. None of these things change the fact that I miss him with every beat of my heart every single day. They just make it a little easier to get through this journey called life and seeing him again in all his glory someday. I love you little brother.

#PJKAllDay #DontStopBelieving

Honeymoon and Green Orbs

Our Honeymoon to Cancun was everything we had hoped for. We booked an all-inclusive resort for 7 days and had friends there for the first 4 days. We had a blast with them and owe them big for helping us plan a great trip.   Thank you, Paula and Steve! 

The resort we stayed at was incredibly beautiful.  The sunrise and sunsets were breathtaking.  I couldn't wait to get out of bed each morning and see the sun hit the ocean. We had a balcony with a gorgeous ocean view and had many photo opportunities.

Day 2, sunrise, we both noticed a green orb on our screens.  Some people believe this signifies a spirit of someone that has passed on.  Neither of us said a word as we took video and more pictures.  I'm not sure who asked the other first, if we were seeing the same thing.  My emotions were right on the surface.  I kept saying "Can you believe this?" I had to keep wiping the tears and I could see the emotion he was feeling.  

Can you imagine being the one that has to hold this grieving mother every night? I would not have made it this far without this man. He has brought so much joy to my life. His arms around me every night, encouraging me to let it out, a safe haven.  He's the love of my life. Sharing this time with him was incredible, something to always be cherished. 

Each of us caught the orb in videos and photos.  It wasn't until we got home and cast our photos on the TV, that showed how big this gift truly was. So many photos shot at different times and different days, that showed the green orb clearly. 

What a blessing this turned out to be.  You see, I've carried this guilt over my divorce 3 years ago.  One of my worst memories during this time, was moving out.  Parker came home sick from work. He stood there in disbelief and cried in the kitchen. It wasn’t a surprise; he knew I had been making plans to get what little I took with me. He wouldn't let me comfort him. It broke my heart.  I knew by this time he was into something "dark." I didn't know at the time that it was heroin.  I explained to him over and over, I wasn't leaving him. I was still his mom. 

During this time, camps were being chosen.  Enemies springing up where I least expected it. I never expected or wanted my kids to have to choose between their parents.  Why couldn't they have us both? It was heartbreaking for all of us. 

Let's be clear, I'm not casting blame or pointing fingers.  This was tough time.  I never in 30 years had used the word divorce.  To be the one that left and the story being twisted felt devastating. I tried so hard to be overly fair, that I took the majority of the debt and blame.  They say there are two sides to every story and then there's the truth.  The truth is this.  We were broken as a couple.  It took us both to break it. 

Having this orb appear over and over in Cancun filled me with peace. It took this ache in my heart and soothed it for a time.  I felt him and his love for me, the love we always had, and closeness we shared.  The message I kept feeling was this, "Mom, I'm OK, I want you to be happy."  

The 2nd day I was there, I stood in the Ocean and just let the tears flow.  How can I be happy and so damn sad at the same time? One afternoon I had some time to sit on the balcony. Kirk was taking a nap and I couldn't relax so I listened to my old Ipod with songs I hadn't heard for years.  So many we use to sing together with Allie in the car. I let the sadness wash over me, let the tears come and just grieved.  My heart hurt so much with missing him.  Missing his voice, his antics, even his wild animal noises.  He use to get sent to his room for noises when my ears couldn't take it anymore. Case in point,  "Parker you are a boy, not whale.  Take that noise out of here." He would take it and perfect the noise in his room...with the door open.  

This picture is the last one I have of all four of my kids together.  You can see the light he has lost in his brilliant blue eyes.  I was so happy to have them together after the pain and separation of the divorce, I kept trying to look past it.  We celebrated my birthday and had so many laughs. I can look back on this day and feel joy, in spite of the darkness that was slowly taking him from us.

The days have passed and it has been 147 days since he left us.  How is this possible? 

I love that he made his presence known on our Honeymoon. I am so grateful that everyday, I get to find him in the small things, memories, laughs, songs and green orbs that show up in vivid color on pictures.  Thank you God, for not only loaning me this character for a short time, thank you for letting him visit us, give his approval and feel that incredible spirit.  I love you Parker.   

Stacey Hedrick
Mother of Parker Kelly 02//20/1996 - 11/11/2018

Life Lessons

Being an older sibling to Parker, I always thought I was the one to be the teacher, the example and someone for him to look up to. Through losing him, I realize that a lot of the time it was the complete opposite. He taught me so many things in his 22 years. Although addiction brings many ups and down, he still leaves behind so many amazing things. Here are just a few things he taught me:

To always make others smile. He was such a clown ALL. THE. TIME. Whether it was at home with our family or at school, he was constantly making everyone around him smile and laugh. Always, always smile at strangers.

Confidence. I grew up being bullied for my weight. Even when I grew into my curves in high school I still viewed myself as “fat”. He always made sure everyday to tell me I looked great. He was so conceded, so confident. He would light up a room with his charm. It taught me to love myself, no matter what size or shape or size I am.

Never settle for less. Being the only girl there was a lot of men in my household my dates had to go through. He was so protective when my older two brothers moved out. He was the first to put an ex in a choke hold for calling me names one day in the driveway. He bought me flowers my first Mother’s Day after my ex didn’t say or do anything for me. He wrote me a sweet card telling me I was a great mom. He showed me through such love and respect exactly how I should be treated. He was the first to give his approval of my husband to date Kohen and I, knowing we would be loved and respected for eternity.

Sing like no one’s listening, dance like no one’s watching. We had some great concerts in our household and in the car. We would grab the nearest object turning it into a microphone. We even used tiki torches in the front porch one day. That kid could sing. girl parts, guys parts and all the parts in between. He would dance like a stripper on the doorways. He could shimmy with the best of them. He didn’t care who saw or what anyone had to say. His confidence was always beaming in everything he did.

To love like tomorrow never comes. Everyday on my families shoulders through his addiction was fear. Fear that we would get that dreaded phone call. That taught us all to love and love hard. My favorite quote stems from him, “If love could’ve saved you, you would’ve lived forever”. And how true those words are, even through the “tough love”. We call it tough love because we still loved him so unconditionally, there were just boundaries involved. We all loved every single cherished millisecond we got to spend with him, even if he was high. Life has so completely changed and in his death, I love even harder than before. My hubby, my babies, my family. Never take a day with your loved ones for granted, you never know what tomorrow brings.

#PJKAllDay #DontStopBelieving

Hollywood and the Biggest Lie

This picture was taken after rehab and before another relapse. (2013) Parker was asked to help a photographer with staging at a wedding and he gladly did it. He knew he looked good. It still makes me laugh every time I see it. 

Not long after losing Parker, I found myself joining page after page on FB about grief. Talking with other mothers that knew this loss, helped in a way nothing else did.  You can’t express to your friends and family how great this loss is and you don’t want them to ever experience it. There aren’t words strong enough to describe pain like this.  The wounds continue to open and seep.  Some chasms lengthen and stretch further than I can bear. I question if it’s survivable.  Feeling each crack takes a strength of will, I didn’t know I possessed. Somehow the days are going by, stretches of time, divided into before and after. I long for the day when I no longer have to fake it, when the smiles become genuine and the anger disappears. 

I made a mistake yesterday and watched “Ben is Back” with Julia Roberts.  This movie shares the story of a mother fighting for her son, Ben, who is an addict.  She tells him the rules when he shows up at home.  Rules like this: “you won’t be alone in this house ever, you won’t sleep in a room by yourself, you won’t leave this house for anything, you won’t shut any door, even to pee and you will pass this drug test to stay.”  

Let’s be very clear and if you learn any ONE thing from me about addiction, it is this.  You can’t play jailer, it only feeds the addiction, gives the jailer a false sense of security and if this loved one can’t be trusted, you have a hard decision to make.  Boundaries have to be established and kept.  If you say it, mean it. Threats mean nothing to someone in addict behavior.

The message at the end of the movie teaches us, put everything else in your life on hold and YOU will save him. All of the work and worry will be worth it.  You just have to find him in time to use the Narcan. (Yes, that was sarcasm.)  As she laid across his chest and begged him not to leave her, I thought of the reality of laying on Parker's cold hard chest one last time. The memory punches me in the gut and takes my breath away.

The message of this movie is deceptive and will take our mental health if we allow it.  We can’t control other people and make choices for them. I would have done anything to save my son from this life of hell. I did “some” of the same things that this pretend Hollywood mother did. Rehab taught me different and I worked hard at changing my enabling behavior.  In the end he made a fatal choice.  The heroin hit his heart and took his life in 2 minutes.  My son, another statistic of addiction and the growing numbers of deaths across the U.S.  Knowing he is with the one that loaned him to me in the first place, out of pain, filled with peace, takes part of the anger away. 

To those of you that are fighting this demon, you are my greatest hero’s.   Keep speaking your truth and teaching us.  We are listening.

Most Days

Most days I’m a bad liar.

If you ask if I’m okay I’ll lie and say I am.

I’ll smile and keep the tears from rolling.

Only crying when no one is around.

Pretending it will all be okay.

Most days are consumed by grief.

The pain.

The overwhelming memories.

The regret.

The what ifs.

Most days are also overcome with peace.

Peace knowing your happy.

Demon free.

Addiction free.

In the presence of angels.

Most days I feel your embrace.

You keep me standing.

Keep my head up.

My heart strong.

You keep me believing.

Most days you remind me to make people happy.

To make sure that even one smile can mean the world.

You remind me to see the good.

That everyone has struggles that we may not always see.

To see everyone as someone.

Everyday, I miss you like crazy.

I miss your smile.

I miss your laugh.

I miss your hugs.

Every single day.  

Dreams, Fish and Calendars

I had a dream recently.  My sister, Lisa and daughter, Allie were with me.  We were standing on the riverbank of the Madison River in Montana.  The majesty of the sun shining on the clear blue water, the trees so green, the mountains all around us, breathtaking.  I was sharing with them the peace I feel there. The wind was blowing slightly.  We were right at the spot where I caught my first fish last November, the day before Parker died. 

Two men come walking by. They give a half wave, smile and continue to the water.  My Sis and Allie look at me in astonishment.  Parker and Trevor have on their fishing gear, poles in hand, walking down to the river. They are laughing and talking together. 

I said to them, "This is why I come here.  I get glimpses of him every now and then." We stood there and watched them as they disappeared out of sight.  The dream faded and I woke up.  

What a gift.  I felt like I really had been there and saw them both.  Peace and love filled me.  I told Trevor about this dream and he said how glad he was that he was with him. 

I love glimpses.  Allie shared a video in the last blog that took my breath away.  Hearing his voice, his laughter, his crazy falsetto singing voice.  It literally took my knees out from under me.  

I'm fighting the reality of death.  It takes time to sink in and when it does, the pain freezes me to the spot.  I'm unable to draw a deep breath.  It hits in waves and I pray for the waves to recede and go further out, far away so I don't drown in them. The waves of pain take an emotional toll and it takes time to join the world again.    

My husband, Kirk, shares a birthday with Parker.  I found this out after we started dating. What are the odds? Kirk's mom calls him her miracle baby.  Her story, one of death and life.  She loves to remind him each birthday of his unique story.  He turns 51 this year, still younger than me and letting me retain my cougar status. :) I'm so happy we found each other.  Joining our 2 families together has been an adventure, one I am so happy to be on with him.  I want his day to be special, I want him to feel our love and appreciation for the great husband and father he is.  I'm not sure he understands how much I adore him. Happy Birthday My Love! I love you with everything I am.  

  I ordered birthday cakes from my friend and partner at work, Paula.  I showed her a picture of a Perch for Kirk and she replicated it perfectly.  I asked her to make a smaller one for Parker. She made his a silver angel fish.  The tears flowed when I saw them both.  They represent these two men that mean everything to me. She put her heart and soul into these two cakes.  I will forever be grateful. 

When you lose someone, the calendar changes and days you may have forgotten become more important.  This altered calendar gets divided in before and after. Most people won't know when hard days hit and that's ok. I'm grateful this calendar has days to celebrate and remember with tears and laughter.  

There is saying that goes like this:

"You will never be completely at home again.  Part of your heart will always be elsewhere.  This is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place." Author unknown

Let's celebrate two men that share a birthday, one we get to hug and one to be remembered.  I wonder what birthday parties in heaven are like? 

Happy birthday in heaven Parker! We love you and miss you!!!!!

Memories

In honor of Parker's birthday coming up on the 20th, I wanted to share a couple funny stories and pictures to lighten the grief we carry every day.

Xbox and Prom Dresses

This is my favorite picture. This was when he was about 13. I came late one night from work and he and his friend were playing xbox (no big deal). I then realized, they were both wearing my prom dresses. He made sure to wear it until I got home to make me laugh. No shame. He WANTED me to take a picture. One of his many amazing qualities was to make everyone around him laugh and happy. 

Shared "Custody"

 My cute husband likes to joke that when Parker was in Inpatient Rehab at 17, we had shared "custody" of him. We were able to go pick him up on the weekends as he was not able to be home at the time (another addict in the house). This is one of SO many pictures with Kohen. You can see the love just radiating. He was the best uncle to Kohen. There were so many nights when I was a single mom, he would come and take Kohen so I could rest. 

 After Rehab

Our bond grew even stronger (if that's possible) while he was in rehab. He came to our house often when he got out of rehab. We had many nights of fun and memories just like this picture. I miss this so much. 

Singing

He was the melody to my harmony in life. He would sing with me everyday on the way to school, to the gas station and even the extra lap around the block to finish the song we were blasting. This video I will always cherish (don't mind the language). I never want to forget his goofy, amazing voice. 

The Later Years

The last 4-5 years were filled with fear, anxiety and every other emotion you could possibly feel. The best part though, was the days he was clear minded and spending time with the family. This is one of our last pictures together. I regret so much not taking any pictures together when we went camping this summer but, I still have so many to cherish. I miss those eyes, his voice and his hugs everyday. 

Happy Birthday in heaven in a few days baby brother. This hurt may never get easier but I still feel you everyday. Even when I flip off your picture. I love you. 

#PJKAllDay #DontStopBelieving #Forever22

Letting You Go

One of our many jobs as a parent, is teaching our kids independence.  We want them to contribute, give back, to fly and succeed. There is song "Letting You Go", by Sara Evans, that says it best.   

The chorus says:

"Loving you is holding you and lifting you up

And planting the seeds and then watching you grow

And even though it’s hard to do, it’s letting you fall

And giving you wings so you fly on your own

Cuz part of loving you is letting you go

No matter how I wanna make you stay

You were also born to fly away.”

We help them grow while they make decisions and natural consequences happen. As parents, we can’t get in the way of that and save them, even when we want to.

Let’s be clear, if I could have stood between Parker and that final needle that took his life, I would have. My biggest heartache is that he died alone.  It haunts me.  

I met with a therapist this week after struggling hardcore these last few weeks.  Depression hitting hard, my thoughts were dark, I knew I was in trouble.

My therapist explained to me why I was crashing.  I was busy taking care of everyone else first. It’s what mother’s do. I had to make sure my other kids were doing ok, so I could break down myself.  The paperwork of death was a distraction and gave me something to focus on.  Hearing her reason this out, helped in a way.  I wasn’t weak, it was my body’s way of saying, it’s time to grieve.

The words that came out of my mouth to the therapist scared me.  I told her, "I don't know how to live without him, I don't want to." The tears started to flow and didn’t stop. I make it a point to not cry in front of people, but there was no stopping this waterfall of tears.

She told me, “I’m glad to see your emotion.  You have been talking to me without any emotion and I was worried for you. These are valid feelings.  You have lost a son, a part of yourself.  You have to feel this, there isn’t any way around it.  Your job now is to take care of you.” Her eyes are now filled with tears and we cried together.  

She has a son that has struggled for 25 or more years with addiction.  All of his friends that used with him, have died.  She said this could be her next week, sitting right where I am.  Having someone that understood addiction helped so much, even though my heart hurt for her.

There is a hole in our family that can't be filled. It takes my breath away when I contemplate the coming years without him. This pain is worse than bone deep. I don’t know how to begin to heal. I worry about our kids, bonus kids included and fear takes over. I don’t want to bury any others.

At times the anger wins, I want to shake my fist at the heavens and scream "Why?” I know the why, the needle won, we lost the final battle. I hope as he passed, he was greeted by loved ones, I hope he has found peace from the struggles of this life. He is now with the one that created him and knows him best. 

Our job is to help them grow wings, I didn’t know that included his angel wings. For now, I have no choice but to let him fly, taking my heart with him.

Fly high, my son.  My beautiful blue-eyed boy. Sneak me a few hugs now and then.  I’m going to need them.

SH 2/7/2019

#PJKALLDAY

#DON’T STOP BELIEVING

Missing Me

Missing Me

When your missing me tomorrow or even yesterday,

think of me in all your thoughts and everything you say.

When the pain seems to never end and all your tears have been cried,

just remember I’m not too far and always by your side.

I’m in the wind, the rain, the clouds, the darkest days I’m here,

I’m never too far away, I’m with you through the tears.

Remember the times, the good, the bad and all the memories made,

know that you are not alone, don’t ever be afraid.

When you start to think of “what ifs” or even have regret,

clear those thoughts, think of my smile, never to forget.

When you’re missing me eternally and pictures aren’t enough,

close your eyes and feel my arms embrace you in a hug.

If you find yourself lost in thought and tears streaming down your face,

Know that I am with God, in his glory and his grace.

When you feel like you’ll never smile, distraught and all alone,

stand up tall, reach out your hand, you’re never on your own.

I’ll walk by you forever more, your guardian angel I’ll be,

I’ll give you strength everyday that you are missing me.

A.N.