I had a dream recently. My sister, Lisa and daughter, Allie were with me. We were standing on the riverbank of the Madison River in Montana. The majesty of the sun shining on the clear blue water, the trees so green, the mountains all around us, breathtaking. I was sharing with them the peace I feel there. The wind was blowing slightly. We were right at the spot where I caught my first fish last November, the day before Parker died.
Two men come walking by. They give a half wave, smile and continue to the water. My Sis and Allie look at me in astonishment. Parker and Trevor have on their fishing gear, poles in hand, walking down to the river. They are laughing and talking together.
I said to them, "This is why I come here. I get glimpses of him every now and then." We stood there and watched them as they disappeared out of sight. The dream faded and I woke up.
What a gift. I felt like I really had been there and saw them both. Peace and love filled me. I told Trevor about this dream and he said how glad he was that he was with him.
I love glimpses. Allie shared a video in the last blog that took my breath away. Hearing his voice, his laughter, his crazy falsetto singing voice. It literally took my knees out from under me.
I'm fighting the reality of death. It takes time to sink in and when it does, the pain freezes me to the spot. I'm unable to draw a deep breath. It hits in waves and I pray for the waves to recede and go further out, far away so I don't drown in them. The waves of pain take an emotional toll and it takes time to join the world again.
My husband, Kirk, shares a birthday with Parker. I found this out after we started dating. What are the odds? Kirk's mom calls him her miracle baby. Her story, one of death and life. She loves to remind him each birthday of his unique story. He turns 51 this year, still younger than me and letting me retain my cougar status. :) I'm so happy we found each other. Joining our 2 families together has been an adventure, one I am so happy to be on with him. I want his day to be special, I want him to feel our love and appreciation for the great husband and father he is. I'm not sure he understands how much I adore him. Happy Birthday My Love! I love you with everything I am.
I ordered birthday cakes from my friend and partner at work, Paula. I showed her a picture of a Perch for Kirk and she replicated it perfectly. I asked her to make a smaller one for Parker. She made his a silver angel fish. The tears flowed when I saw them both. They represent these two men that mean everything to me. She put her heart and soul into these two cakes. I will forever be grateful.
When you lose someone, the calendar changes and days you may have forgotten become more important. This altered calendar gets divided in before and after. Most people won't know when hard days hit and that's ok. I'm grateful this calendar has days to celebrate and remember with tears and laughter.
There is saying that goes like this:
"You will never be completely at home again. Part of your heart will always be elsewhere. This is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place." Author unknown
Let's celebrate two men that share a birthday, one we get to hug and one to be remembered. I wonder what birthday parties in heaven are like?
Happy birthday in heaven Parker! We love you and miss you!!!!!
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