Life Lessons

Being an older sibling to Parker, I always thought I was the one to be the teacher, the example and someone for him to look up to. Through losing him, I realize that a lot of the time it was the complete opposite. He taught me so many things in his 22 years. Although addiction brings many ups and down, he still leaves behind so many amazing things. Here are just a few things he taught me:

To always make others smile. He was such a clown ALL. THE. TIME. Whether it was at home with our family or at school, he was constantly making everyone around him smile and laugh. Always, always smile at strangers.

Confidence. I grew up being bullied for my weight. Even when I grew into my curves in high school I still viewed myself as “fat”. He always made sure everyday to tell me I looked great. He was so conceded, so confident. He would light up a room with his charm. It taught me to love myself, no matter what size or shape or size I am.

Never settle for less. Being the only girl there was a lot of men in my household my dates had to go through. He was so protective when my older two brothers moved out. He was the first to put an ex in a choke hold for calling me names one day in the driveway. He bought me flowers my first Mother’s Day after my ex didn’t say or do anything for me. He wrote me a sweet card telling me I was a great mom. He showed me through such love and respect exactly how I should be treated. He was the first to give his approval of my husband to date Kohen and I, knowing we would be loved and respected for eternity.

Sing like no one’s listening, dance like no one’s watching. We had some great concerts in our household and in the car. We would grab the nearest object turning it into a microphone. We even used tiki torches in the front porch one day. That kid could sing. girl parts, guys parts and all the parts in between. He would dance like a stripper on the doorways. He could shimmy with the best of them. He didn’t care who saw or what anyone had to say. His confidence was always beaming in everything he did.

To love like tomorrow never comes. Everyday on my families shoulders through his addiction was fear. Fear that we would get that dreaded phone call. That taught us all to love and love hard. My favorite quote stems from him, “If love could’ve saved you, you would’ve lived forever”. And how true those words are, even through the “tough love”. We call it tough love because we still loved him so unconditionally, there were just boundaries involved. We all loved every single cherished millisecond we got to spend with him, even if he was high. Life has so completely changed and in his death, I love even harder than before. My hubby, my babies, my family. Never take a day with your loved ones for granted, you never know what tomorrow brings.

#PJKAllDay #DontStopBelieving

Hollywood and the Biggest Lie

This picture was taken after rehab and before another relapse. (2013) Parker was asked to help a photographer with staging at a wedding and he gladly did it. He knew he looked good. It still makes me laugh every time I see it. 

Not long after losing Parker, I found myself joining page after page on FB about grief. Talking with other mothers that knew this loss, helped in a way nothing else did.  You can’t express to your friends and family how great this loss is and you don’t want them to ever experience it. There aren’t words strong enough to describe pain like this.  The wounds continue to open and seep.  Some chasms lengthen and stretch further than I can bear. I question if it’s survivable.  Feeling each crack takes a strength of will, I didn’t know I possessed. Somehow the days are going by, stretches of time, divided into before and after. I long for the day when I no longer have to fake it, when the smiles become genuine and the anger disappears. 

I made a mistake yesterday and watched “Ben is Back” with Julia Roberts.  This movie shares the story of a mother fighting for her son, Ben, who is an addict.  She tells him the rules when he shows up at home.  Rules like this: “you won’t be alone in this house ever, you won’t sleep in a room by yourself, you won’t leave this house for anything, you won’t shut any door, even to pee and you will pass this drug test to stay.”  

Let’s be very clear and if you learn any ONE thing from me about addiction, it is this.  You can’t play jailer, it only feeds the addiction, gives the jailer a false sense of security and if this loved one can’t be trusted, you have a hard decision to make.  Boundaries have to be established and kept.  If you say it, mean it. Threats mean nothing to someone in addict behavior.

The message at the end of the movie teaches us, put everything else in your life on hold and YOU will save him. All of the work and worry will be worth it.  You just have to find him in time to use the Narcan. (Yes, that was sarcasm.)  As she laid across his chest and begged him not to leave her, I thought of the reality of laying on Parker's cold hard chest one last time. The memory punches me in the gut and takes my breath away.

The message of this movie is deceptive and will take our mental health if we allow it.  We can’t control other people and make choices for them. I would have done anything to save my son from this life of hell. I did “some” of the same things that this pretend Hollywood mother did. Rehab taught me different and I worked hard at changing my enabling behavior.  In the end he made a fatal choice.  The heroin hit his heart and took his life in 2 minutes.  My son, another statistic of addiction and the growing numbers of deaths across the U.S.  Knowing he is with the one that loaned him to me in the first place, out of pain, filled with peace, takes part of the anger away. 

To those of you that are fighting this demon, you are my greatest hero’s.   Keep speaking your truth and teaching us.  We are listening.