Dreams

Grief comes in the form of so many emotions. I don’t like calling them the “stages” of grief because some days you can experience every single one of them only to start back over at “stage” one the next day. It’s a roller coaster that never seems to have a rhyme or reason, with no end in sight from the treacherous hills and painful coils of despair.

For a few weeks after Parker’s memorial services, I experiences a lot of numbness which goes hand in hand with denial. Denial that anything that had just happened was real. That it was all just a sick joke yet knowing one thousand percent it was indeed real. It was a defense mechanism developed to protect myself from believing that the pain wasn’t real. I was basically an emotionless zombie walking around yelling at everyone just to try and feel something.

For a month or so, I have again been experiencing some of the emotions surrounding the numbness. The physical pain has lessened making it easier to get through the day. The emotional pain is still there but has been blocked out by this “numb” feeling for a few weeks. I can listen to the songs I couldn't before showing me that I’m slowly becoming more desensitized to the fact that he is gone. My heart has been searching for peace and comfort through the numbness. I have had several experiences that have given me confirmation he is at peace. Those experiences gave me exactly what I needed given the emotional moment I was in at the time but I’ve been searching for something more. Something tangible as my mom has put it.

A few weeks ago, I had two dreams about Parker. I have only had one about him since he passed away and it was only a glimpse of him in a picture in my dream. The first dream I had he was sitting next to me building me a vape. Weird I know, but he knew a lot about them and loved showing them off to me. We were sitting there with my mom talking about random things. I woke up scratching my head but I was so happy I saw him for a few seconds in my dream. The next night though was completely different. I had a dream that I was sitting with my whole family around a long table eating dinner and laughing. I look up and like in a movie where its all slow motion, he is sitting directly across from me at the other end. He is smiling. Not just smiling at the conversation going on around us, he is smiling at me. That big goofy smile that I miss so much. He is surrounded in light and looks exactly as he did when he was first out of rehab and clean. I could feel him. I could feel the warmth of his smile. The love. The peace that enveloped him. That feeling of comfort and peace was tangible like I could reach out and keep a piece of it with me. I woke up with tears streaming down my cheeks knowing with all my heart he was there. There to visit me and give me the comfort I have been so longing for. The image of him has been engraved in my mind, carrying me through some hard moments.

That experience slowly started bringing back out the numbness and has transitioned into a little bit of peace. Peace knowing he is okay. He is safe. He is happy. Demon free. Drug free. Addiction free. He is in his purest form. He is with family and friends he has lost. He is continuing his work he was always meant for. He was always going to change the world, now he just has to do it in a different way and come through to all of us. None of these things change the fact that I miss him with every beat of my heart every single day. They just make it a little easier to get through this journey called life and seeing him again in all his glory someday. I love you little brother.

#PJKAllDay #DontStopBelieving

Honeymoon and Green Orbs

Our Honeymoon to Cancun was everything we had hoped for. We booked an all-inclusive resort for 7 days and had friends there for the first 4 days. We had a blast with them and owe them big for helping us plan a great trip.   Thank you, Paula and Steve! 

The resort we stayed at was incredibly beautiful.  The sunrise and sunsets were breathtaking.  I couldn't wait to get out of bed each morning and see the sun hit the ocean. We had a balcony with a gorgeous ocean view and had many photo opportunities.

Day 2, sunrise, we both noticed a green orb on our screens.  Some people believe this signifies a spirit of someone that has passed on.  Neither of us said a word as we took video and more pictures.  I'm not sure who asked the other first, if we were seeing the same thing.  My emotions were right on the surface.  I kept saying "Can you believe this?" I had to keep wiping the tears and I could see the emotion he was feeling.  

Can you imagine being the one that has to hold this grieving mother every night? I would not have made it this far without this man. He has brought so much joy to my life. His arms around me every night, encouraging me to let it out, a safe haven.  He's the love of my life. Sharing this time with him was incredible, something to always be cherished. 

Each of us caught the orb in videos and photos.  It wasn't until we got home and cast our photos on the TV, that showed how big this gift truly was. So many photos shot at different times and different days, that showed the green orb clearly. 

What a blessing this turned out to be.  You see, I've carried this guilt over my divorce 3 years ago.  One of my worst memories during this time, was moving out.  Parker came home sick from work. He stood there in disbelief and cried in the kitchen. It wasn’t a surprise; he knew I had been making plans to get what little I took with me. He wouldn't let me comfort him. It broke my heart.  I knew by this time he was into something "dark." I didn't know at the time that it was heroin.  I explained to him over and over, I wasn't leaving him. I was still his mom. 

During this time, camps were being chosen.  Enemies springing up where I least expected it. I never expected or wanted my kids to have to choose between their parents.  Why couldn't they have us both? It was heartbreaking for all of us. 

Let's be clear, I'm not casting blame or pointing fingers.  This was tough time.  I never in 30 years had used the word divorce.  To be the one that left and the story being twisted felt devastating. I tried so hard to be overly fair, that I took the majority of the debt and blame.  They say there are two sides to every story and then there's the truth.  The truth is this.  We were broken as a couple.  It took us both to break it. 

Having this orb appear over and over in Cancun filled me with peace. It took this ache in my heart and soothed it for a time.  I felt him and his love for me, the love we always had, and closeness we shared.  The message I kept feeling was this, "Mom, I'm OK, I want you to be happy."  

The 2nd day I was there, I stood in the Ocean and just let the tears flow.  How can I be happy and so damn sad at the same time? One afternoon I had some time to sit on the balcony. Kirk was taking a nap and I couldn't relax so I listened to my old Ipod with songs I hadn't heard for years.  So many we use to sing together with Allie in the car. I let the sadness wash over me, let the tears come and just grieved.  My heart hurt so much with missing him.  Missing his voice, his antics, even his wild animal noises.  He use to get sent to his room for noises when my ears couldn't take it anymore. Case in point,  "Parker you are a boy, not whale.  Take that noise out of here." He would take it and perfect the noise in his room...with the door open.  

This picture is the last one I have of all four of my kids together.  You can see the light he has lost in his brilliant blue eyes.  I was so happy to have them together after the pain and separation of the divorce, I kept trying to look past it.  We celebrated my birthday and had so many laughs. I can look back on this day and feel joy, in spite of the darkness that was slowly taking him from us.

The days have passed and it has been 147 days since he left us.  How is this possible? 

I love that he made his presence known on our Honeymoon. I am so grateful that everyday, I get to find him in the small things, memories, laughs, songs and green orbs that show up in vivid color on pictures.  Thank you God, for not only loaning me this character for a short time, thank you for letting him visit us, give his approval and feel that incredible spirit.  I love you Parker.   

Stacey Hedrick
Mother of Parker Kelly 02//20/1996 - 11/11/2018