Dreams

Grief comes in the form of so many emotions. I don’t like calling them the “stages” of grief because some days you can experience every single one of them only to start back over at “stage” one the next day. It’s a roller coaster that never seems to have a rhyme or reason, with no end in sight from the treacherous hills and painful coils of despair.

For a few weeks after Parker’s memorial services, I experiences a lot of numbness which goes hand in hand with denial. Denial that anything that had just happened was real. That it was all just a sick joke yet knowing one thousand percent it was indeed real. It was a defense mechanism developed to protect myself from believing that the pain wasn’t real. I was basically an emotionless zombie walking around yelling at everyone just to try and feel something.

For a month or so, I have again been experiencing some of the emotions surrounding the numbness. The physical pain has lessened making it easier to get through the day. The emotional pain is still there but has been blocked out by this “numb” feeling for a few weeks. I can listen to the songs I couldn't before showing me that I’m slowly becoming more desensitized to the fact that he is gone. My heart has been searching for peace and comfort through the numbness. I have had several experiences that have given me confirmation he is at peace. Those experiences gave me exactly what I needed given the emotional moment I was in at the time but I’ve been searching for something more. Something tangible as my mom has put it.

A few weeks ago, I had two dreams about Parker. I have only had one about him since he passed away and it was only a glimpse of him in a picture in my dream. The first dream I had he was sitting next to me building me a vape. Weird I know, but he knew a lot about them and loved showing them off to me. We were sitting there with my mom talking about random things. I woke up scratching my head but I was so happy I saw him for a few seconds in my dream. The next night though was completely different. I had a dream that I was sitting with my whole family around a long table eating dinner and laughing. I look up and like in a movie where its all slow motion, he is sitting directly across from me at the other end. He is smiling. Not just smiling at the conversation going on around us, he is smiling at me. That big goofy smile that I miss so much. He is surrounded in light and looks exactly as he did when he was first out of rehab and clean. I could feel him. I could feel the warmth of his smile. The love. The peace that enveloped him. That feeling of comfort and peace was tangible like I could reach out and keep a piece of it with me. I woke up with tears streaming down my cheeks knowing with all my heart he was there. There to visit me and give me the comfort I have been so longing for. The image of him has been engraved in my mind, carrying me through some hard moments.

That experience slowly started bringing back out the numbness and has transitioned into a little bit of peace. Peace knowing he is okay. He is safe. He is happy. Demon free. Drug free. Addiction free. He is in his purest form. He is with family and friends he has lost. He is continuing his work he was always meant for. He was always going to change the world, now he just has to do it in a different way and come through to all of us. None of these things change the fact that I miss him with every beat of my heart every single day. They just make it a little easier to get through this journey called life and seeing him again in all his glory someday. I love you little brother.

#PJKAllDay #DontStopBelieving