In grief there is life before your death and now life after your death. It feels like living two completely different lives. "Before" was marked in milestones. Milestones like walking, talking, birthdays, getting your drivers license, graduating high school, going to college, having babies, getting married, buying your first house and so on. These milestones tend to highlight our lives significantly. They are posted as daily reminders of where we came from and how we got here.
In the last 47 days without you, 47 days....that is hard to swallow, there have been far more milestones I have reached. Milestones I never thought would define my life or be significant, yet they highlight my life more than ever now.
One: Getting through day one.
Whoever though I'd be forced to go ONE day without you here on earth? I cried a lot, yelled at you a lot *I hope you heard every word* and felt a pain I've never felt before BUT I made it through day one.
Two: Seeing you dead. *I hate that word*
I made myself absolutely sick to the point of nausea in the days leading up to your viewing. It was morbidly shocking seeing you laying on the table. I almost collapsed to the ground. You looked so perfect and peaceful. You looked like YOU. That's what worried me the most. I wanted your hair to be perfect, your clothes, your face. Everything. Everything about you was perfect, it was just missing "you". I wanted it all to be a bad joke and sit up and say "Just kidding, bitches!". The peace I felt after telling you goodbye is something that has stayed with me.
Three: I hugged you.
At the viewing, I got to fulfill my one regret I had been non stop thinking about. I got to hug you one last time. You were so cold. I hope you felt every ounce of my love for you.
Four: Thanksgiving.
I made it through Thanksgiving. And it wasn't "as bad" as I had thought it was going to be. I was surrounded by family and the hardest part was leaving. The love in that room was so full. We sang in your honor. I only cried once near the end of your favorite song. I was immediately group hugged by my mom, amazing aunts and cousin. It was another day crossed off the list of impossibilities.
Five: Christmas.
I usually CANNOT wait until Christmas. I'm usually begging my sweet hubby to let me put up the tree early. This year was so different. It took all of me to go downstairs and get everything out. The best part was, I felt you every step of the way. You came through in my boys with your warm hugs. Without them and their innocence of Christmas magic, I would have never even gotten the tree up. My mother in law gave me an ornament years ago to honor my husband grandpa that says "The best way to have a little heaven in your home is to have someone you love in heaven," And oh how that rang true this year. Christmas was so much more Christ centered in my heart. I made it through again with only crying once and AGAIN being surrounded in hugs by loved ones around.
Six: 47 days.
I have made it through 47 days. Without your laugh, your smile, your hugs or your jokes. I never had pictured life without you before and never though I would have to. But here we are. I'm staring at your picture as I write this, missing you with ever ounce of my being. Knowing that one day I will get you see you again. I find you in everything around me. In the wind, in the clouds, in music. Its never going to be easy but there are so many more milestones to reach.
By Allie
#PJKAllDay #DontStopBelieving
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